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What Are You Watching?

Updated: Oct 1, 2022

Mr. Hockey will watch something together, if there isn't a game on.

I have become obsessed with television. I can’t wait to get to my couch after dinner. And when I’m not watching TV, I’m talking about it to anyone who will listen. Every conversation becomes: “What are you watching?”

We recently went out to dinner in Amagansett with friends and immediately started talking about “Succession.” It could be because one of the stars of the show was eating at the bar (even in late October, the Hamptons are still hot), but I think we would have gotten to it sooner or later.

Sometimes I use TV viewing distract my two trainers. You read that correctly. I have two trainers – Gordon-the-Trainer and Chris-the-Trainer (GTT and CTT). Because, honestly, one trainer can’t handle me. I yammer/complain so much during my workouts that GTT and CTT would lose their minds if either of them had to see me three hours a week. They need a break from Tracy-the-Trainee (TTT).

Constant chatter is the best way to train while avoiding actual exercise. My loquaciousness diverts GTT and CTT, resulting in fewer single-leg dead lifts for TTT.

This strategy has backfired on me. Yesterday CTT was so focused on looking up a new show with the guy who played Coach Taylor on “Friday Night Lights” that he didn’t notice that I had already done two skull crushers before he started counting my skull crushers. I can blame Coach Taylor for my sore triceps.

Maybe we talk so much about television because it’s expensive. You don’t notice at first. What’s $5.99 a month here, $69.99 a year there? But have you added it all up? Don’t. Unless you’re prepared to give up eating avocado toast or drinking Jack’s coffee.

On top of all our streaming services, Mr. Hockey and I still paying for cable. What rubes! But every time we think about cutting the cord, we realize that we won’t be able to watch any sports. I’d have to change Mr. Hockey’s name to Mr. Hallmark Channel.

We need every streaming service so we can see every show, or we’ll miss out on the cultural zeitgeist. Before we got Apple TV, I had to sheepishly admit we didn’t have it while all my friends discussed “Ted Lasso.” Now I can credibly talk about how much Roy Kent curses. FYI, Roy Kent constantly curses.

Most of my TV conversations are negotiating our evening’s entertainment with Mr. Hockey. In his viewing hierarchy, NY Rangers hockey takes precedence. Then golf, baseball, and other sports. Next, he’d choose science fiction.

The real reason we got Apple TV was so he could watch “Foundation,” a sci-fi show that is so confusing, I don’t think it would matter if we watched the episodes in a random order.

I have limited patience for science fiction. These futuristic fantasies have intergalactic travel and communication with aliens. Yet the women still wear bras. The great minds of the future conquered space travel but didn’t invent a better replacement for the bra?

Futuristic shows depicting comfortable boob-support puts the fiction in science fiction.

Mr. Hockey watches dystopian shows where people live in underground tunnels and must revolt against their evil overlords. Meanwhile we can watch present day dystopia on “The Bachelor.” I’ll bet those 32 bachelor-wooing women could beat any overlord, particularly if it made them Instagram-famous.

Every couple has a co-viewing etiquette. I can’t watch “Ted Lasso” if Mr. Hockey is out playing hockey. My back-up list has non-sporty or non-sci-fi shows that Mr. Hockey won’t deign to watch such as “The Good Fight” or “Shrill.” I’m currently watching “The Morning Show.” The people in it behave so badly, I yell at the TV.

Couples need to agree in advance on what they’ll watch together. One night after I finished “Never Have I Ever,” I caught Mr. Hockey watching “Squid Game” without asking me if I wanted to.

He might as well have been having an affair.

I was so upset, I considered watching “Why Women Kill.”

Mr. Hockey told me I wouldn’t like the violence in “Squid Game.” It doesn’t matter. I’ve got to watch it. It’s in the zeitgeist!

My streaming TV obsession is a consequence the covidian crisis. Prior to the pandemic, I only watched whatever was on network television or cable – mainly because I didn’t know our Netflix/Hulu/Disney+ passwords. Also, our Amazon Fire TV stick is a sensitive piece of equipment. To plug it into our system, we’ve got it precariously resting on an old electric guitar amplifier and two books with a rubber band holding the wires in place. The force from a sneeze can upset the works, resulting the blue death wheel of buffering.

Cable TV was boring, but at least it was easier.

When the hockey pucks came home during the lock down, they alleviated my Fire TV stick frustrations. We watched the hot COVID shows like “Tiger King” and “Bridgerton” together. Who was more traumatized during those steamy “Bridgerton” sex scenes? Me because I watched them with the hockey pucks? Or the hockey pucks because they saw them with their mother?

Thanks to the hockey pucks, I’ve finally learned how to use Netflix and re-jigger the Fire TV stick when the blue death wheel of buffering inevitably appears. I’ve become a Hulu expert!

Those little puckers taught this old dog a new trick. And now I’m in the zeitgeist, baby!

Published in The East Hampton Press November 18, 2021 in

Photo by Sven Scheuermeier on Unsplash

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