Verse vs. Versus

This shrimp should be naked.

A couple friends and I went out for Cuban food, and we decided to share our entrees. One friend chose the camarones enchilados, described on the menu as shrimp in a spicy creole sauce with wine. It was delicious, except – the chef left the tail shell on the camarones.

Ugh! I had to stick my fingers into the spicy creole sauce with wine, pick up the tail and bite into the shrimp in such a way as to pull all the meat out of the shell. A method I’ve found to have only a 50% success rate.

I could have used my fork to split the shell at its seam while holding the tail. But there was a 50% chance of stabbing myself due to the slippery nature of the spicy creole sauce with wine and the fact that I lack fine motor skills.

Or I could have cut the tail off and left it on the plate along with one-fifth of the shrimp meat. But if I left five tails on the table, I’d miss out on a whole camarone. It’s simple math, folks.

Saucy shrimp served in their shells isn’t only a tongue twister, it’s a pet peeve. Why can’t the chef remove the entire shell? I go to restaurants for a relaxing meal, not to work. Unless the tail shell is a handle for dipping into cocktail sauce, I want my shrimp naked.

Do I sound like Larry David? This seems like a Larry David thing. Of course, Larry would send the shrimp back. Then the chef would come out of the kitchen, they would have words, and Larry would be banned from the restaurant. Larry would shrug, smirk, and say, “What? I like my shrimp naked,” as his friends shake their heads.

Cue the Larry David music.

As our sticky fingers struggled with the shrimp shells, I told my friends what you read above – except for the Larry David bit; I just thought of that. They suggested this would be a good subject for a column.

This happens often. Friends suggest column ideas. I’m glad they do. Writing these things is hard. Should I also have to think of the topic?

There are a few rules for my columns. They need to be 900 words. My editors would like them to have a Hamptons angle (this happens so rarely – I’m surprised they haven’t canned me). And I would like them to be humorous (also rare – I’m surprised I haven’t canned me).

Unfortunately, my camarones story, or shrimp tale – I’m wincing – isn’t 900 words, even with the Larry David bit. I need more grievances.

Fortunately, many things bother me. Examples include, but aren’t limited to: The bad driving habits of the Hamptons’ summer visitors (Happy now, editors? Hamptons!). My deteriorating upper-middle-aged body. Our current administration. And that irritating Larry David music.

One thing that really sticks like a shrimp shell in my craw is when people use the word “verse” when they mean the word “versus.”

In the past two weeks, we’ve watched the National Hockey League’s Stanley Cup Final with the Florida Panthers playing the Edmonton Oilers. Yes, it’s June and I’m talking about hockey. When you’re married to Mr. Hockey, it’s hockey season all year.

There are people, including announcers on television, who express the Stanley Cup rivalry as “Panthers verse Oilers” instead of “Panthers versus Oilers.” Every time they do, it’s like shrimp shells on a blackboard to me.

Somehow, the word versus has been squashed down to verse, the same way Matthew Tkachuk would like to squash Connor McDavid into the boards.

I know this is more hockey talk than usual. I’m trying to impress Mr. Hockey with my hockey knowledge. Also, Tkachuk is an objectively funny name. Just look at it. (Happy now, Tracy? Humor!)

Who caused this “verse vs. versus” etymological blunder?

I blame the lawyers.

Legal cases get their names from the opponents in the case, for instance, Roe versus Wade. In the hundreds of years of the rule of law – something that may be ending soon, hence my frustration with the current administration – lawyers and editors have shortened the word “versus” to “vs.” and eventually to just “v.” So now it’s Roe v. Wade (although it’s not because Roe was overturned, another pet peeve of mine.)

Non-lawyers must think that “vs.” was the plural of “v.” And when they see Panthers v. Oilers in writing they say, “Panthers verse Oilers.”

Not only that, kids are also using the word as a verb, such as, “Timmy versed Johnny at basketball.”

It’s bad that the youth are in on it too. But the straw that broke the shrimp’s back for me was the dictionary app on my phone. It’s second definition for verse is “Slang, to play against.”

Et tu, iPhone?

I know my dictionary app isn’t exactly Merriam Webster, but I fear we’ve let the camarone out of the bag. Soon we won’t see or hear the proper use of “versus.” The shrimp boat has sailed.

I don’t care. Panthers verse Oilers isn’t right. It’s as wrong as shells on shrimp in a spicy creole sauce with wine. It’s as bad as the Hamptons summer visitors’ terrible driving. It’s as aggravating as my deteriorating upper-middle-aged body.

Do I sound like Larry David? Fine. But I think Larry would agree. It’s Panthers versus Oilers. And saucy shrimp should be served naked.

Cue the irritating music.

Published in The East Hampton Press on June 16,2025.

https://www.27east.com/southampton-press/verse-vs-versus-2368964/

Photo by Fernando Andrade on Unslpash