The Voting 411
Reader, the primary mission of this column is to make you laugh. I have no secondary mission. Write funny. That’s it.
So, I apologize in advance. This is possibly the dullest column I’ve ever undertaken. You might want to read it in bed.
As you may have gleaned from the title, it’s about voting.
I haven’t mentioned it before, but I’ve got a side hustle. I’m a member of the League of Women Voters chapter for the Hamptons, Shelter Island, and the North Fork and I’m the co-chair of its Voter Services Committee.
My co-chair, Neil, and I are responsible for helping members of our community register to vote along with educating them about the upcoming elections.
Yes, my co-chair’s name is Neil. Men can be members of the League of Women Voters too. Excluding people by gender is so last century. This is 2026! Men can do anything.
Lately, my Voter Services Committee work has kept me busy. So much so that my writing garret has become a getting-out-the-vote garret. I’ve got piles of New York voter registration forms, get-out-the-vote flyers, and buttons that say, “Every Vote Counts.”
I’ve also got 360 pieces of hard peppermint candies because the League of Women Voters is not above using sweets to woo potential voters.
Actually, there’s only 359 peppermints. I had one and it was delicious. Don’t tell Neil.
While I was in my getting-out-the-vote garret, sucking on a peppermint (whoops! we’re down to 358), and pondering ways to get out the vote, I remembered I have something unique that the other co-chairs of the League of Women Voters’ Voter Service committees don’t have: this column.
What luck! I can kill two birds with one column! They’ll die of boredom!
Here are the dull bits:
Election Day is Tuesday, November 3rd. We are voting for members of the U.S. House of Representatives, the New York State governor, lieutenant governor, attorney general, and comptroller; our New York State legislators; and the Suffolk County clerk, comptroller, County Court judges and Family Court judges. In the towns of East Hampton, Riverhead, Shelter Island, and Southampton we are voting for various positions including town supervisors.
If you’re not catatonic, there’s more.
The deadlines to register to vote or to apply for Absentee or Early Mail ballots is October 24th. Early in-person voting is from October 24th to November 1st. Absentee and Early Mail ballots sent by mail must be postmarked by November 3rd and received by the Board of Elections by November 10th.
This content is a little dry. I think I’ll grab another peppermint (357).
All this information is available on the Suffolk County Board of Elections website. Information about the candidates is available at the League of Women Voters’ website: vote411.org
Ugh. Nothing kills a humor column more than citing a website ending in “.org.” Unless it ends in “.gov.”
The exciting election news is: Suffolk County is using a state-of-the-art voting machine called the ExpressVote XL. The ballot appears on a giant touchscreen. You touch the screen to vote. Then it prints a paper ballot and secures it until the votes are counted. That actually sounds boring too, but you’ll never have to fill in those SAT bubbles again!
ExpressVote XL isn’t a catchy name for a voting machine. Why not attract young voters with a name like the “Taylor SwiftVote 5000”?
And now for some dreary statistics: According to the Pew Research Center, in the 2022 midterm elections, the voter turnout was 46.8 percent, down from 49 percent in 2018. For context, the 2020 and 2024 presidential elections turnout was 66 and 64 percent, respectively. If you translate the numbers into letter grades, we get a D for the presidential years. We fail all the other elections.
At least the word “Pew” is funny.
I think these low turnouts are the reason why the people who are currently in charge are actively working to increase voter suppression, hamper mail-in voting, and foment doubt in the legitimacy of our upcoming elections. They’re trying to take advantage of the fact we voters aren’t paying attention. And the people in charge are using what they think is our complacency to silence the voices of those who disagree with them.
How cynical. How disrespectful.
What I’m trying to do with my side hustle – along with Neil’s help and the lure of hard candies – is communicate the importance of voting in every election. Our vote is our voice. It’s our chance, once or twice a year, to not only vote for who we think is the best person for the school board, the highway superintendent, or the House of Representatives, but to let everyone in power know we are here, we expect our voices to be heard, and we demand our votes be counted.
Let’s not allow those cynical people in power to forget that voting is every American citizen’s right.
So please, don’t be complacent. Make a voting plan. Vote by mail. Or vote early in person. Or cast your ballot on Election Day. But don’t do all three – you can only vote once.
Then go get yourself a peppermint candy.
I’ll have one too (356, don’t tell Neil).
I’m sorry this column ended up being both boring and depressing. Let’s end with a laugh:
Why didn’t the skeleton run for office? He didn’t have the guts.
Funny, right? My mission was accomplished. Both birds died.
Published in The East Hampton Press on September 24, 2026
Photo by Me!!
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